Feeling lonely during the holidays...
It's pretty crazy when I think about where I am in my life right now. I spent the majority of my adulthood doing my best to avoid negative emotions at all costs. Fear? I'm out. Vulnerability? Not a chance. Discomfort? Next.
I thought by creating a life that essentially eliminated my need to experience these emotions would finally bring me happiness. If I could just prevent anything that would cause me to feel the negative stuff, I could just be happy. But it didn't work.
I mean, I got really good at avoiding those emotions, but I never experienced "deep" happiness like I do now. I was happy but it was superficial and surface-level. I didn't even know that there was a difference back then.
I had no clue that I actually needed to embrace negative feelings in order to create "deep" happiness. I've come a long and way in this regard and will often intentionally do things that make me feel fear or discomfort for the sake of growth.
I for sure still feel resistance because I'm human, but now I know how to handle it in a much healthier way.
Being single during the holidays doesn't appear on many bucket lists.
And this year isn't my first time at the rodeo. Previously, if I felt lonely, I would ring up my favorite Mexican place, walk by all those fools working out in that little gym (seriously, I had to walk by a studio with people doing a boot camp workout lol), grab my food and go home.
Or I might go out drinking with friends and drink far too much and ruin my weekend. Or I would binge watch Netflix until I got that super annoying prompt that would ask me if I was still there. Lol. (Yes, Karen, I am still watching.)
It worked. I stopped the loneliness, but in its place, I felt shame, regret, and disappointment (that super fun little trio.) It would have been much easier just to let myself feel lonely and let it pass, and there certainly would've been less fallout. I never looked at it that way when I was in the middle of it, though. I couldn't see it, I was too busy trying to fix the wrong problems.
This year I'm armed with some ninja-like thought management skills. I had one of those days yesterday, you know with all the annoying romantic commercials, and all the families with their fun activities on Facebook, lol. I caught myself feeling lonely, having major resistance, and trying to distract myself, so I started coaching myself through it.
Logically, I know that you can be in a relationship and feel lonely (I've been married LOL), and I know that feeling lonely in a relationship can sometimes feel worse. I know life isn't "perfect" in a relationship either (because perfection doesn't exist).
I am a planner. I like a system. I'm here for the strategy. So I'm going to go ahead and assume that I'm going to feel lonely every day until the holidays are over. I know I won't, but I'll be prepared just in case. I'm not going to dread it, I will expect it.
Feeling lonely really isn't that bad. The thoughts that come up when resisting loneliness are awful (the I should have, I could have, if only, etc.). But the actual physical sensation of loneliness isn't that bad if you really think about it. I'm certainly not alone - I have plenty of family and friends, and access to two of the coolest dogs on the planet.
Anyway, I thought I'd give you a little glimpse into my thought process/self-coaching here...
How can I make the most of this month with the assumption that I'm going to feel lonely every day?
I'm going to let it be okay to feel lonely. I will journal if I need to get it out. Practice allowing it and notice when I feel resistance and just sit with it.
Buy fresh flowers each week
Splurge on a few Lush bath bombs (Oh how I have missed those since I kicked into operation tighten up the budget).
Focus on the benefits of being single right now (there are Pros and Cons to everything). Might as well focus on the stuff that feels better.
Benefits:
I have a packed schedule with social stuff this week, and it would be challenging to add anything else to the list
I can focus 100% of my energy on my business without distractions (and this is something I need and genuinely want right now)
I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, for any reason. I guess you can do that in a relationship as well, just not as easy.
I get to enjoy Christmas with one group of people, and I won't have to rush around and split my time with in-laws...oh wait, no IN-LAWS :)
I am obsessed with this new audiobook (Empire of the Summer Moon - it's about the Commanche tribe, crazy stuff), and I can listen to it whenever I feel like it and drop into binge mode.
If you're married and can think of anything I missed, hit reply and let me borrow yours, lol. On the other hand, if you're having a hard time seeing the upside to your situation, hit reply and I'll help you out (there is always an upside, sometimes you just have to dig a bit).
So I will focus on the upside of my circumstances and allow space for loneliness when it surfaces. Because it will, and that's totally okay.
If any of this resonates with you, Click here to schedule a free one hour consult with me. I can 100% help you gain a new perspective and come up with a strategy for your particular circumstances.
Machele Galloway is a Certified Life Coach through The Life Coach School. She's based in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and specializes in helping her clients manage their time and their minds. She firmly believes that you can't manage one without managing the other. She virtually coaches women nationwide. If she isn't coaching clients, she is studying concepts and techniques. And if she isn't doing that, she's probably playing with a dog somewhere. If you are interested in working with Machele, click here to schedule your free consultation to find out if it’s a good fit for you.
Enjoying the content? Click here to be notified via email when a new blog is posted.
