How to stop beating yourself up.

I was the worst at beating myself up. 

The relationship that I had with myself back in the day was awful. 

I had this prisoner/warden vibe going, and needless to say, it was miserable.

I couldn't understand how people didn't do that.

I genuinely could not wrap my head around how/why people didn't beat themselves up when they made a mistake.

They must have learned during childhood, or maybe they didn't have as many flaws as I did. Or didn’t make as many mistakes.

I don't even know I realized I beat myself up so much back in the day. 

And I see this with my new clients when I question them about things they say during our calls or that come up in their homework.

Their eyes will narrow, their head will tilt, and they will respond with something like "Wait, what?" or "I'm not being hard on myself, it's true like this is a fact." 

Genuine confusion. I love this part - when I’m the coach and when I’m the client. Because I know the part after this is a breakthrough. So fun

I totally understand where they’re coming from because I was the same way when I first started with this work; I would get SO annoyed with my coach and argue with her. I am a tough client, lol.

I would fight to prove I was right, that it was true. Why? I was fighting a battle that, if I won, would prove that I should beat myself up, so crazy. I couldn't even see it at the time; it was one of my blind spots.

"No, I don't know how to have my own back."

"I make stupid decisions over and over."

"I ignored all of the warning signs like a complete idiot."

"I never stick with anything long enough."

"I always self-sabotage relationships."

"I do this ALL time even though I freaking know better."

The above is a small sampling of some of the more popular thoughts that feel super "facty" to my clients (and me for many years.) 

If you are thinking, "well, it is true for me, my situation is different" keep on reading, and read this twice, lol. 

These are all thoughts (optional), and you can clean them up. It's not easy, but neither is beating yourself up. 

Here's how you can get started on your own, but know that some thoughts will be next to impossible for you to see objectively without a neutral third-party. 

🎯 Step 1: Start paying attention to your thoughts. Get them out on paper. Set a timer for 7 minutes and write everything you're thinking. You can do this every morning (highly encouraged) and/or during the day when you're spinning out or notice you're beating yourself up. 

🎯 Step 2: Go back later once you've calmed down and re-read what you wrote. Review each sentence and determine if it is a T (thought) or an F (fact). Facts have to be super neutral, and something the entire world would agree with as a fact. "I'm super lazy" is a thought "I scheduled 3 workouts this week and did 0" is a fact.  

🎯 Step 3: Highlight any facts (there usually aren't many: 1-2 tops). If you have way more than that, start over, and make sure you are looking at them objectively. 

🎯 Step 4: Go back and read through everything you didn't highlight, and this is your "story," and it's optional. Flag the parts that are super painful and get super curious about whether or not they are true. This part can be tricky because we love to fight for our stories (it's what our little human brains do), so drop into curiosity. 

🎯 Step 5: Start each morning by asking yourself, "What do I need today?" and practicing giving that to yourself. It will feel super wonky in the beginning but stick with it. You have more answers than you realize.

These are just a few steps to help you get started, but the most crucial step is gaining awareness of what you're thinking. And it's the work worth doing. 

If this struck a chord with you, reach out to me. Seriously, life is waaayyy too short to spend it miserably because you're beating yourself up. I know, because that's what I did for the majority of my life. 

We can hop on a call, and I can help you see your situation differently than you ever have, point out the blind spots, and show you what you need to do to fix them. Click here to book your call.

Best,
Machele

Machele Galloway is a Certified Life Coach through The Life Coach School. She's based in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and specializes in helping her clients manage their time and their minds. She firmly believes that you can't manage one without managing the other. She virtually coaches women nationwide. If she isn't coaching clients, she is studying concepts and techniques. And if she isn't doing that, she's probably playing with a dog or watching the Real Housewives of some city. - “Life is short. Play a little.”