A Printer and a Baseball Bat
Man, I have been through the wringer for the last three months. Mercury in retrograde or whatever the hell is going on.
But I'm very excited that my chaos phase has ended and with a fun 15-day bout of raging poison ivy. 😣😲😵😷
I've had to do a lot of work on relationships as well.
Many of you know I earned a Ph.D. in codependency well into my late 30s.
And one of the skills I developed during that time was the ability to justify other people's actions.
Basically, when someone would do something that hurt me, I would hyper focus on making excuses for them.
… they are probably just being mean because they are having a hard time.
… they just don't realize how judgmental and rude they are because they can't see the impact of what they say and do.
… she's probably extra bitchy just because she's having a tough time right now.
Most people think I'm pretty tough, but I'm quite empathetic, and growing up, I would much rather take on the pain than cause somebody else pain.
...even if that meant stuffing my needs down into the basement and covering them with old dusty furniture.
This skill probably saved me and helped me survive some shit I probably wouldn't have otherwise, but it's not so helpful as an adult.
I have come a long way, but my default mode is still to make excuses for other people when they show up in a way that hurts me.
And the universe dropped some super fun relationship stuff for me to work on over the last few weeks.
And it S-U-C-K-E-D.
I worked with my coach to try and figure out why I had such a hard time having my own back.
I was miserable.
If I was doing the right thing, it should be easy, and it should at least feel good. Right?!
But, it doesn't.
And here's what I learned.
Extreme self-love is:
Having my own back even when (especially when) it feels hard and shitty.
Knowing I could easily feel better by justifying their actions and managing my mind so I could feel better, but leaning into the pain instead because I know there's a lesson here.
Giving myself permission to be pissed off. 🤬 I can count how many times I've been mad on one hand—sitting with it, learning from it, processing it healthily. (see fun photo)
And so that's what I did.
I let myself feel pissed off and hurt and frustrated.
I had to remind myself about 47 times a day not to try to fix it, just to let myself feel what I needed to feel.
[I love to fix things, so this is an area I continually work on.] 🔨
And I got through it, and I learned several big lessons.
The biggest is that I deserve effort.
Not asking for a ton of effort, but some.
Occasionally.
I'm pretty low-maintenance.
And when a relationship ceases to function if I have needs, it's up to me to face the truth and stop arguing with reality (and making excuses for the other person).
And the most annoying part is that it doesn't even mean the other person is a “bad” person (it would be SO much easier if it did), it just means there isn't space for me in that relationship (for whatever reason).
And that is what it is.
I could certainly choose to manage my mind to a point where I'm okay with this, but I want more, and I think I deserve more.
Learning how to do this from a place of love for myself and the other person is far from easy, but I know this is the best way to get through this.
I deserve to put in the effort for myself as well, so I will.
I'll put in the effort it takes to learn what I need to learn and heal what I need to heal.
The pic of me above is at a place here in Tulsa called Smash Something.
You get to pick something to smash; they put you in a room and let you go to town.
I chose a printer and a baseball bat. 😂
Um, it was amazing!
I felt like a new person afterward, and the next day was the best day I've had in months.
It's okay to be pissed off, and it's actually enjoyable when you find a physical way to release it. Close the loop on the cycle.
PLEASE let me know if you try this out; I'd love to hear how it goes and which item you picked.
That little printer took a beating, highly recommend it. 🤣
You deserve effort as well, especially when it feels painful and awful.
And you deserve the results from putting in the effort for YOU.
Best,
Machele
Certified Time & Mind Management Coach
Email: macheleg@lifeleapcoaching.com
There are two ways to work with me right now. Individual coaching (virtually over Zoom) or in my new group coaching program (which is so f*ng fun and inspiring and awesome). You can schedule a free consultation, fill me in on all the things, and I will let you know how I can help you and which option would work best for your unique sitch. You can get on my schedule here.
