Sitting with sadness
I had one of those days the other day. My mood was all over the place, and it wasn't for any particular reason, it was just one of those days. Overall, I just felt sad (likely due to the fun hormonal imbalance we ladies get to deal with as we age.) I trudged through the day and honored my schedule and just hung out with the sadness.
I had plans to go out for dinner with someone I love hanging out with but don't get to see often. I had a fascinating moment where I considered canceling dinner so I could stay home and just get through the sadness (aka cry it out). Not because I wanted to feel sorry for myself and to hide out from the world, but because I genuinely wanted to give myself the space needed to process it.
I know this sounds a bit woo-woo, but stay with me.
One of the most transformational skills I developed during certification is the ability to allow and process negative emotions. I didn't even understand what the hell that meant at first. It wasn't easy for me to embrace this one because I had spent the majority of my life trying to avoid "feeling bad" at all costs. Because that's what we're supposed to do, right?! Shouldn't we always be happy?!
The way I used to handle sadness (before learning this skill) was completely different. I had built up such a defense system that I rarely felt sad (I rarely felt much of anything other than surface/shallow emotions). But when I did, I would go into full-blown avoidance mode. I would typically numb out by focusing on work and my career or bingeing on some good old-fashioned reality shows (oh, and cheese enchiladas, NEVER forget cheese enchiladas.)
I never really gave myself space to feel it - to be a human. I got really good at pretending and stuffing it down. I always thought something had gone wrong, and I tried to make it stop at all costs. Sadness without the willingness to experience it feels awful. I would spend time analyzing what caused me to feel sad and strategizing on what I could do to prevent it from ever happening again.
It's a much different scene now. I allow it, I sit with it, and I honor my humanness to experience it. I feel it deeply, I hold space for the part of me that needs to experience it. The part of me that also gets to experience happiness.
It's much quieter, and it's a gentle process. I do not try to change it or make it stop now. And it will pass - sometimes quickly and other times it takes a little longer. Sadness is the tax I pay to feel happiness (and I experience happiness on a much deeper level now as well.)
It's much easier than I would have ever guessed (never really thought about it honestly). It feels much better to allow it than to resist it because resisting it will add frustration, annoyance, anger, or shame to the mix.
Ultimately I decided to go to dinner and to give myself some time to sit with it afterward. I ended up having a great, and most of the sadness had passed by the time I got back home. Not because I hid from it, but because I had opened up to it.
This skill is a game-changer. It takes practice, but it's everything. Play around with giving yourself space (and permission) to feel what you need to feel without the resistance. Baby steps. Curiosity alone can cause a huge shift.
Machele Galloway is a Certified Life Coach through The Life Coach School. She's based in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and specializes in helping her clients manage their time and their minds. She firmly believes that you can't manage one without managing the other. She virtually coaches women nationwide. If she isn't coaching clients, she is studying concepts and techniques. And if she isn't doing that, she's probably playing with a dog somewhere. If you are interested in working with Machele, click here to schedule your free consultation to find out if it’s a good fit for you.
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