When you stop people-pleasing, the people you used to please aren't so pleased about it.
One of my clients has kicked some serious ass during our time together.
She does the freaking work.
And she has drastically changed her life in many areas because of it.
One of which is her people-pleasing tendencies.
She was really good at it because, like many of us, she learned growing up that's what she should do.
It can be hard for people in our lives to deal with our transformation for several reasons.
Reason #1: Most of the time, they didn't realize there was an issue. Most of us silently suffer as we go through life and hope things will change.
Reason #2: The other person is now faced with a different version of their partner (in this case). Yes, a more empowered, healthier, happier, secure version of their partner; however, this can be terrifying on the other side.
All the other person sees is a significant change, and as human brains tend to do, they assume the worst. "She will leave; she doesn't need me anymore, she doesn't care about me anymore, etc. She only cares about herself, There is danger, something is wrong, and the sky is falling."
Reason #3: Three, they are now faced with a new relationship so-to-speak, and they didn't ask for this change.
It doesn't mean a relationship can't survive. Of course, it can. It can end up being significantly better for both people once all the dust settles.
Cultivating a relationship where each person feels safe to be authentic, vulnerable, and honest with each other can lead to a mind-blowingly intimate relationship.
I wanted to share one of the powerful insights that came up during our last session because it will be helpful for those of you that are establishing and honoring new boundaries.
If other people in your life have a hard time understanding and accepting your new boundaries, you can explain it like this:
"I didn't change because I stopped loving you; I changed because I started loving me."
"I didn't change because I don't care about you; I changed because I started to care about me."
Also, it's imperative to remember that nobody wants to be a jerk. (I need to write a blog about this specifically because I've had some CRAZY insights into human behavior over the last several years.)
Their strong reaction to your transformation has nothing to do with how much they love you; it has everything to do with their fears and insecurities.
If they don't love themselves, your transformation will trigger the shit out of them. It will shine a spotlight on the work they need to do, and they will project that onto you.
...because they are human.
Not because they don't love you.
Hold space for their humanness and remind yourself how painful it was when you believed that you didn't have control over your own life. It sucks, and you showed up messy. It's no different for them.
It's not easy, but it is the work worth doing.
This is one of the rare downsides to transforming yourself that most people don't mention.
But it damn sure doesn't mean that you shouldn't work on yourself.
The alternative is that you stay stuck in people-pleasing, ignoring your own needs, hiding your pain, feeling miserable, exhausted, and just letting your life pass you by hoping something will change.
And that version of life is WAY more difficult and painful.
If this is your struggle and you would like help, hit me up.
You can schedule a free session here so we can discuss.
Machele Galloway
Certified Life Coach
Email: macheleg@lifeleapcoaching.com
There are a few ways you can work with me, click here to view the current services I offer. As always, feel free to shoot over any questions via email.